It's been awhile....

So, I have sat numerous times to update this blog with more than just Project 365 entries, but every time I just close the page and change my mind about what I want to say.  Right now I am in a feel sorry for myself kinda place and no one likes a buzz kill so I've decided not to write about it.  I'm feeling a lot of resentment towards this whole PHPV thing and I really don't want Nicole to ever come back and read this and think any of it was directed at her cause not one tiny ounce of it is.  It's just that we are all tired and feeling a lot unlucky.  Don't get me wrong.  Nicole has been doing great.  If I dare say it, patching is going OK.  I can usually get almost 4 hours in without much fussing.  It's just that the whole process is really tiring.  When Nicole is patched she demands one on one attention.  This is EXTREMELY difficult with a 2 year old running around.  Lilia is so amazing and so patient and I am so very lucky to have her.  If she'd had any ounce of "terrible twos" in her this whole thing would be unbearable.  For the most part I can double duty it and play with Lilia while holding Nicole.  Lilia is often right there with me shaking toys at Nicole.  Sometimes it truly makes me laugh.....and then there was last week.  Nicole had finished her patching and was getting a total kick out of Lilia running down the hall.  Like full on belly laughs.  Lilia loved it!  It was the first time I'd seen the two truly interact.  And then the next day Nicole was patched and poor Lilia had gotten it in her head that she was going to make her laugh again.  She ran down that hallway full force and Nicole, of course did not laugh.  The look of disappointment on my toddler's face was brutal.  "She's not laughing" says Lilia.  No sweetie she is not.  I wish I knew the patching would be useful.  But if she's not going to get any better vision than color and movement I don't want to do this anymore.  But still everyday I lay that little baby down on her change table giggling away and slap that stupid patch on her and watch her smile fade away.  I hate it.  I hate every moment of it.  But I do it for her.  I do it cause I love her and want the best for her, even though it is by far the most difficult thing I have ever ever done in my life.  Those moms reading this that are in the same boat get it....no one else can.
Now that's the honest truth.  Like I said, in a feel sorry for myself kinda place....there's a lot more "woe is me" kinda stuff I could write but I don't actually want to be able to come back and read it.  I am hoping that things will turn around soon, things will settle down and maybe one day I will forget all of this.
And now, on top of it all, I've realized I still have a needle waiting for me before bed.  Lovely.
I am tempted to delete this post too....but I think maybe it's OK to feel this way sometimes.  Makes the brighter days more special....
Here's to many sunny days soon!