So, it's official. Another contact lens gone. When does it get less annoying and frustrating?? Patching was rough this week. Nicole had lots of visitors on the weekend so we gave her a break from the patching. Then she fell sick again. It was short, thankfully. So we were back on track Thursday. Then Friday came. She'd been kinda rubbing her eye more than usual so before going out we did a lens check and then decided to put some wetting drops in. We went to the grocery store where there is a photo studio and had some photos taken. As we were leaving...lens check resulted in....no lens. Ugh. We have no idea where we lost it. Anywhere between her change table and the photo place. We tried our hardest to find it at home but it just wasn't gonna happen. I am kinda frustrated because the only other time we lost a lens I had put drops in too. I guess that's not completely true. It has been rubbed out a few times but we've always found it. The only two times it got lost for good I put wetting drops in. And those were the only times I used wetting drops. Coincidence? I have no idea. I hope so cause I would hate to think I was the cause of having to drop another large amount of money. Sigh.
Like I said we lost the lens on Friday and had already planned on hitting Sick Kids Hospital on Saturday to pick up Nicole's prescriptions. (She's still on Diamox which is not readily found at any pharmacy so we have to go downtown to get it.)
Soooo, she, the lucky duck got a break from patching. No big deal. Except....we called on Saturday morning just to double check they had her lens in stock...and...closed for the weekend. Ugh.
This meant no lens and no patching all weekend or today.
I.feel.so.guilty.
I hate it. I mean, we had a wonderful weekend...we went to the library and the mall and a pumpkin patch and visited with friends and their new baby.
And all this without having to rush home to patch or worry about when she was gonna get her hours in.
BUT.
I had that nagging feeling. You know, that nagging feeling that I wasn't doing something I should be.
And it made me sad. It made me sad that I still had the worry even though we couldn't patch.
And the feeling of normalcy we had this weekend made me sad. And jealous.
My fellow "eye" moms know what I mean.
I hated all the moms at the farm. They didn't have my problem. And really how do I know they don't have worse problems? Or that they wouldn't trade spots with me for an instant? We look happy and stress free. No one would really guess by looking at us how much we've been through.
Nevertheless I know for the most part those moms are not dealing with things like pinning their child down every morning to put a lens in or trying to get patching hours in or strapping their kids down for sedations or handing them off for Exams Under Anaesthesia or doing numerous drops every night or checking obsessively for lenses or....well you get the idea.
And I am so very jealous.
The contact and patching and glaucoma has sadly become our normal.
But it could be so different.
This weekend I sat on the floor and watched TV while my kids played. I didn't have to chase a one year old and cuddle her and encourage her to keep busy to keep her from screaming and tearing her patch off.
I could leave the room because I knew there was no lens in place to be rubbed out while she was out of my sight for a moment.
No lens checks.
I wouldn't trade my girls or my family for the world.
But I wish I could make things easier.
I wish I could make them easier for Nicole. I wish she didn't have to bear this burden.
I wish I could make things easier for Lilia. I wish I could give her my full attention at more times throughout the day instead of focusing on patching. I wish I wasn't so short with her when she's just being a demanding toddler during her sister's patch time. I wish I could fulfill all her needs in those 3 hours.
I wish I could make things easier for my hubby. I know it makes him sad and frustrated to see me stressed. I know we are sometimes short with each other when it's been one of those days.
But I guess every family has a cross to bear. This just happens to be ours.
We are doing the best we can and if I do say so myself I am proud of us all.
We've been given some pretty sour lemons but are making some very yummy lemonade =)
And tomorrow...it's back to a fresh lens and patch time.
And we will have a good day.
Oh the guilt.... I get the guilt, and the jealousy. The day that I lost the contact a couple of days ago. I did that. I took the rest of the day off. NO glasses (even though they are a totally valid option), no patch (even though we only had in three hours), and no contact for obvious reasons. :) I wanted to act like he was normal, and even though I didn't have to worry about the eye, I still worried about the eye and the fact that I should have been patching.
ReplyDeleteIs it not the most insane feeling... when we hate all of it, but when we are not doing it we feel worse?! I know when that contact came and that patch went on, you felt better. I know its crazy!!! I think the bottom line is, we want to do what is best for our child and the truth is... contacts and patching is best. Coming to that realization hurts and is sad, but its our reality. And as much as we hate it all, we hate not doing what is best for our child even more.
ReplyDeleteBreaks are needed and worth it though, so try to embrace them when you are lucky enough to get one! I know they come with a price but its all about balance. Plus, I asked my doc about how much we loose if when we are contact less, etc. She said you really arn't doing any harm for at least 2-3 weeks, beyond that point you will loose ground with vision in the bad eye that is.
PS. You always say... if it makes you feel any better... on my blog. I wanted to tell you, YES it always makes me feel better anytime you say anything! ;)
JEALOUSY totally sums it up. How easy would life be if the EYE didn't consume everything. I just started following your blog and this post just summed up all that I feel. It is guilt surrounded by jealousy stuffed with resentment (of other moms, not my son!!) I know he is so perfect and wonderful and sometimes I am thankful that we are forced to spend so much time together as I stalk him to keep the patch on and I swear it is why he is such a good talker already. BUT, how nice to be able to leave the room for a minute? JUST ONE MINUTE!! It is such a world that people can't imagine. I know I can't imagine how hard the 3 of you have it with the contact! I feel like my life must be so easy compared to yours! I feel so guilty because we didn't start patching until Anderson was 11 months & really hard core patching began at 14 months, so I always am afraid that we caught it too late. But, I can say that your daughter is beautiful and you are awesome. I have only read a few posts & I can already see that!! Keep drinking the lemonade:)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the wonderful comments guys. You made me smile.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard for me right now. I've had to extend my leave cause Nicole suffers from such separation anxiety. And everyone blames me for spending too much time with her. But they don't understand. If I don't hover the patching never gets done. Ugh.